That’s no pocket rocket.
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.