Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.