(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
we all know this pain all too well
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.