Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭