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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.