Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!