Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.