Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
the three genders
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.