I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.