I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts