I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.