Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”