Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Hank is one in a melon.