“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point