THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
fired