me hitting on a model
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Same post same
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.