My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”