I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?