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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress