Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Wait a second…
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*