Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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Breaking news:
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Name another movie that mislead you?