My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
March 16
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”