got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.