when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
when mom throws a party…
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…