The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Uh oh…
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?