Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.