Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.