Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
😬
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.