if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Stop sending me this shit.
I bet birds love this building.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep