The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES