When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
a public service announcement
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage