Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
A friend sent me this.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!