[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT