Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
They’re not wrong
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.