Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
wow he looks just like him
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.