I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”