OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.