love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice