I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
❤️🦆
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
whatcha thinkin bout
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting