me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”