I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes