a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Had an epiphany today.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.