This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
You Might Also Like
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
🤣✨#caturday
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza