Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …