Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Jurassic park gets weird
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?