[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Tough love is true love
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
In space, no one can hear…
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.