Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
You Might Also Like
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities