Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.