Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?