Stop it! 😂
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Worth the read.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.